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Chosen Family IS Real Family (and Sometimes Preferable)

Updated On: June 3, 2024

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From Kendall: 

My younger maternal half-brother’s birthday is always on or near Memorial Day, and on the Saturday before Memorial Day last weekend, I sent a group text message to him and two of my half-sisters and said that I wish we could all be together to celebrate his birthday. I haven’t spoken to this half-brother, ever, but was hopeful in the spirit of his birthday, maybe we could all have a friendly group text.  

After six years of being ignored by most of my biological mother’s family, I continue to be delusional about the fact that people, other than my sister, Stephanie, eventually will treat me reasonably.  

Suffice it to say that the text conversation quickly devolved into my brother’s once again accusing me of disparaging our mother on the Family Twist podcast.  It’s quite obvious to me that my brother doesn’t listen fully, takes things out of context, or just wants to assume the worst about my intentions.  He doesn’t seem to ever take my feelings into account.  When I ask the question, “How would you feel if you were in my shoes?” I get no reply which is itself insulting.  

What I hear in response is that I don’t take my mother’s feelings into account.  That’s not true.  I constantly think about my mother, but I haven’t and won’t excuse her for ignoring me for over six years.  That’s unacceptable!  I want nothing to do with her now.  So I guess she got her wish.  However, that doesn’t mean that my anger and disgust won’t continue to grow.  I’m not accustomed to being disrespected, and hers is the greatest disrespect I’ve ever felt.  

If you’ve been listening to the Family Twist podcast, you’ll already know that I do believe that my mother is accustomed to and thrives on family secrets, and here’s more proof…

The other surprising comment that came up during the group text message session I mentioned above was from my youngest sister who commented that our mother feels as if her rights were violated because my adoption was a private one.  Again, I don’t know why my mother would say such a thing because it’s common knowledge that I petitioned the courts three times after I turned eighteen to try to discover any details relating to my birth and adoption but never learned a thing.  

The courts did exactly what my mother’s family wanted and protected her identity completely.  This seems to be just another lie she must want to keep alive!  Does it make her feel better to spout that line?  The truth is that the only way I found either side of my biological family was by submitting a DNA sample and matching with both sides on Ancestry.com in 2017.  

I wonder whether my mother is a pathological liar or just can’t keep her lies straight!  What she should know is that, as long as I’m living, I will refute her lies, and with future permission from other family members, I’ll blow some of her other lies out into the open.  

My brother’s wife acts as if I have no right to air opinions about my mother.  Well, she’s wrong.  My adoptive parents raised me to have pride in myself.  So I’m not going to hide in the shadows like a shrinking violet, and I feel no shame about saying the things I’ve said about my biological mother.  

My story is my story, and I share it to feel compassion from and for others in my situation.  Corey and I have made great friends in the adoption/donor-conception/NPE communities, and we treasure these relationships.  They are a wonderful replacement for the relationships I’m missing from my biological mother’s family.  

Chosen family is real family!  

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